I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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