I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
whose parrot is this?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
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