apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
