Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
sarcasm needs its own font
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
they're like a gay fantastic four
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
