is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
