so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
