cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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