I wish I only lived at night.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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