nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Actions speak louder than pants.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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