Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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