just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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