About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Houston, we have a blender
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
