This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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