apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
