Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
