hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
