Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Two words: blizzard sex
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
