Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
