All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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