Where did you get a picture of my penis
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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