I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
