Jerry, you need to find god
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
