I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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