he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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