I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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