Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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