she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
