apparently the secret to your success is patron
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
