first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
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