Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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