I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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