It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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