brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
