I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
