Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
