I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
