I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
