I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
