I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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