he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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