I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
