Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
where does the pee come out of this thing
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
