you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
