I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
