moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
