Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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