in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
