Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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