I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
