we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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