Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
